“It just didn’t taste avocadoey,” claims Brenda Lifsey of Los Angeles who, according to a report from the Florida Sun-Sentinel, is suing Kraft Foods, saying their avocado dip doesn’t qualify as “guacamole,” as it is labeled. She is looking for damages and a court order to stop Kraft from calling the dip “guacamole.”

Here’s my favorite part:

“The government doesn’t have any requirements on how much avocado a product must contain to be labeled guacamole,” said Michael Herndon, a spokesman for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

I hope to everything holy in this world that Kraft doesn’t settle with this half wit. If they offer a settlement, it should be four free avocados and a print-out of Tyler Florence’s Guacamole recipe, which says it takes ten minutes of actual prep and an hour of refrigeration to make the stuff she’s suing over.

An hour and ten minutes. She’s suing over something that she could have made herself, because this utterly pathetic biped is sad that the glop that is mass-produced and enjoyed by millions wasn’t “avocadoey enough.” You know, I’m sure I wouldn’t have enjoyed the three-layer dip she was making when she discovered the supposed lack of avocadoacity… does this mean I should sue her for sucking at making a simple dip? No, I shouldn’t; that would be frivolous. But not more frivolous than this gem!

Man, I hate people like her… I hope she gets what’s coming to her: guaca-justice.

First, the “hip new announcement”: My friends and I are going to launch a blog in 2007 called “Ambassadors Of Awesome,” which, during late-night diner planning sessions over cheese fries and Mountain Dew, has evolved from “The Daily Show meets blogging” to “Where good comedy should go to die.” It should be an interesting venture, to say the least, and might, if it works out, make me even more famous than I already am. Which isn’t very famous, but that just means the bar is lower, so success can be greater.

Now, on to the “cry for help”: For some reason, and this is a shocker, the design I’ve been working on for the site is working really crappy in Firefox, but is doing fine in IE. In Firefox, I keep getting this message:

You have chosen to open

which is a: application/octet-stream
from: http://www.ambassadorsofawesome.com

Would you like to save this file?

Anyone out there know what the hell that means? I sure don’t, and I’m the one my friends come to when they have questions like this.

Also, again in Firefox, every so often the header logo won’t show up, or the author image won’t show up, or something else goes horribly wrong. If anyone wants to take a look at the code, or just wants to say, “Hey, eD!, you’re a tool… I can totally do better!” and want to give it a shot, either contact me using the form found here or leave a comment. I’ll rush the logo image out to you, and then you can brag to your friends how much cooler you are than me.

Which, honestly, isn’t saying much, but whatever makes you smile is okay with me.

According to AppleInsider, the NPD Group, a market-research firm, is reporting that the Zune, Microsoft’s MP3 player (and only holiday product with a worse name than Wii) grabbed 9% unit market share in its first week, while the iPod maintained a 63% market share.

This, however, is only counting sales at certain retail chains, which does not include the Apple Store, so Apple’s “loss of market share” has been artificially inflated. Other research firms have noted that Zune was being recommended 8% of the time, and that some MP3 salespeople had no idea what a “Zune” was.

A more reliable indicator, in my mind, would be Amazon’s Bestsellers list, updated hourly, where the black Zune is ranked 59th out of 100. Not bad, until you take a look at what’s ahead of it; some highlights?

• At positions 1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 17, 18, 23, 25, and 27 are iPods. The only iPod in the Top 100 to be ranked lower than a Zune? The 80GB White iPod with Video, which is 64th.
• Numbers 74 (SanDisk Sansa 8GB), 79 (SanDisk Sansa 2GB), and 93 (Creative Zen 1GB) are the only MP3 players to be ranked lower than the Zune, and beating low-capacity SanDisk and Creative players isn’t exactly hard to do. I’m pretty sure I could do it, if I tried. Also, at number 16? The 30GB Zen, spanking the much better marketed Zune.
• Positions 44 and 58? Turntables. I kid you not. Sure, they seem to be able to convert your old records into MP3’s, but the usual market for an MP3 player like the Zune usually isn’t people who remember what a “record” is.
• Not appearing at all on the list? The brown (sorry; I mean “suede”) and white Zunes. Take into consideration that three of the four iPods of equal or higher capacity ranked in the top 25, and all ranked in the top 100.

Now, I realize that this is just the first week, and Microsoft hasn’t had as much time as Apple to make their player a household name (I doubt we’ll ever hear the term “Zunecasting”), but, with rumors of a “true” video iPod coming first quarter ‘07, along with a pair of Apple cellphones, Microsoft may not have that much time to build up their buzz.

I’d say something positive about Microsoft’s chances, but you’d all know I was being insincere, so I won’t waste either of our time.

According to MSNBC, there was an International House of Pancakes in Quincy, Mass., that was requiring a photo ID in exchange for the privilege to order your Rootie-Tootie Fresh ‘n Fruity. IHOP claims it was in an effort by staff to reduce dining-and-ditching, customers complain about the worry of identity theft.

Me? I’d totally hand over a photo ID for IHOP hashbrowns. They’re fantastic.

IHOP has reversed the policy, by the way… but it has begun asking for DNA samples.

Also according GameDaily BIZ, the Wii, Nintendo’s poorly-named but well-designed next generation console, has sold 600,000 units in its first week, making it one of the top “it” gifts this Joyous Holiday Season^™. I wish this could be compared to sales of the PS3, but Sony has yet to release sales figures for the system, possibly because they don’t want to prove analysts, who claim barely half of the promised 400,000 units were actually shipped, right. Also, Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess has sold with 75% of the Wiis, making this a fantastic week for Nintendo.

And, by contrast, a really crappy week for Sony.

According to GameDaily BIZ, if you have an older HDTV, the PS3 may very well suck for you. See, it was common for older HDTVs only support 480i/p and 1080i, not 720p, and the PS3 hardware doesn’t allow you to scale your games to 1080i… you’ll have to play in the lower resolution 480i/p. Which is going to look like crap.

At one time, Sony told the world that there would be a fix for this, but this seems to be a hardware problem, not something that can be fixed with a quick firmware update, which could bring more people into buying the xbox 360 and Wii so they don’t have to deal with these silly problems.

Check the article for more information, and enjoy the sick satisfaction of knowing that people waited on a line for three days or more to get a machine that may not work on their TV.

According to TMZ.com, Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock. It would also appear that both parties were rushing to file first, which is the sign of a healthy relationship.

Maybe Pam decided that, with Britney out of the picture, she could finally go after K-Fed? Maybe Kid Rock is going to shoot for Britney? Is Paris just hoping to get into a videotaped threesome with either party? Will Doctor Phil get involved?

Here’s hoping… I could use that sort of laugh.

For about 20 years, Apple Corps, the business front for The Beatles, has been taking Apple Computers to court regarding the latter’s rights to use the name “Apple.” The latest legal battle, decided last May, a London judge ruled that Apple Computers didn’t break a 1991 agreement with Apple Corps that allowed Steve Jobs to continue doing business under the “Apple” name as long as they didn’t get into the music business by starting the iTunes Music Store. Trying to use this to their advantage, both Microsoft and Rhapsody have tried for years to woo The Beatles to their online music stores, but to no avail. It seemed that The Beatles wouldn’t be represented in any digital music store.

Well, according to Fortune magazine, that may not be true for much longer. There is a deal in the works that could bring the two fruit-named parties together, making the iTunes Music Store the exclusive place to buy Beatles music digitally. Quite the coup for Apple, which would also give the iPod another leg up over the competition.

And, if they can pull it off, maybe we can score a Beatles themed iPod… you know, like the U2 one, but not totally lame? That’d be sweet.

According to TMZ.com, Michael Richards hates black people and Jews. Seems that last Spring, at The Improv, Richards went on what on a rant where he screamed at a Jewish person in the audience who said something to the “comedian,” yelling things like “you people are the cause of Jesus dying.” Richard’s publicist claimed that this was part of the act, but also claimed that Richards himself is Jewish, which, if the Jewish Journal is right, he isn’t. That’s what I like to see… a publicist who doesn’t get the basic facts about his client correct. Note to self: stay away from that guy.

Well, I figured this would be a good time to start a new part of eTM that I like to call the “Reader Poll.” On the sidebar, under the “Archives By Category,” you will find a poll that will be updated every few weeks. This week? Which Group Of People Do You Think Michael Richards Will Insult Next?

Get to voting, since I’m getting to napping.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Clearly I won’t be posting today, since I have a ton of eating to do, but I thought I would present a video that I thought was kinda cool. I mean, when was the last time you saw Silver Surfer, Doctor Doom, Power Man, Doctor Strange, Captain America and Spider-Man (and other Marvel characters) at the Thanksgiving Day Parade?

The answer would be “1989.” Enjoy.

Oh, and I may not post tomorrow, either, what with it being the busiest day in retail, and I’ll be working at 4 in the bleedin’ morning, so I may be a bit spent to sit in front of a computer.