I just finished reading ComicBookResources.com’s ‘Top 25 Comic Book Battles.’ It was an interesting list, with a bunch of battles I fondly remember (’Avengers vs. Ultron‘ being one of my personal favorites) and a few I could do without (’Guy Gardner vs. Batman‘… Am I the only one who hated the ‘Bwa-Ha-Ha’ Justice League?). However, the top choice, ‘Batman vs. Superman’ from The Dark Knight Returns, holds a special place in my heart as “The Stupid Fight That Ruined Everything.”

See, I have no problem with the idea that Batman can beat Superman… but I can only accept that once. Superman, despite how most people write him, isn’t some stupid tool that just flies around and does what anyone with ‘authority’ would tell him; he may not be as smart as Batman, perhaps, but he’s not too far off. Not only that, Superman has proven himself quite a dick in the past, so he could do some underhanded things if need be.

In that spirit, I have compiled the greatest assemblage of shoddily made cartoons to demonstrate how Superman could beat Batman.

Superman Can Beat Batman With A Yacht

Look, Batman is a human, and a pounding with a good, old-fashioned yacht would leave him as nothing more than a pile of Bat-Jelly.

Superman Can Beat Batman With Psychological Warfare

Superman has displayed some weird powers in the past… Super-Hypnotism and Super-Ventriloquy, for example. Why can’t he have Super-God You’re A Lame-O powers? I mean, it’s a power my mom, girlfriend, and just about every other girl I know has, so it couldn’t be that tough for Superman to master.

Superman Can Beat Batman With Heat Vision From Space

Batman has kryptonite, right? Kryptonite can effect Superman when he’s near by. So what’s the Last Son of Krypton to do?

HEAT VISION FROM FREAKIN’ SPACE. Done and done.

Superman Can Beat Batman With Irony

In The Dark Knight Returns, Batman has Green Arrow shoot a kryptonite arrow at Superman to distract him before Batman kicks Superman’s ass. Let’s say Superman isn’t a moron and uses X-Ray vision to scan the scene before he goes to meet Batman… He’d see Green Arrow. He could disarm Green Arrow (heat vision from space, maybe?), snag the Robin Hood wannabe, and then throw him at Batman, creating a distraction of his own.

Superman Can Beat Batman With A Super-Speed TEMPLE OF DOOM Heart Rip-Out

Superman can run in, rip out Batman’s heart, and run back, all before Batman knows what’s going on. Seems fairly easy to me.

Last and most certainly least…

Superman Can Beat Batman With A Loogie To The Junk

It’s a Super-Loogie! Get it?!

Back to me doing the work I need to get done for real people.