According to GamePolitics.com, you've signed a bill into law that calls for a study to determine the link between violence and video games, requires video game consoles to have mandatory parental locks by 2010 and all games sold at retail to clearly display the rating that it has been granted by the ESRB.

Or, as people who can actually read call it, "crap that has already happened." I mean, I know you're blind and all, but did you really feel the need to prove it by signing something that a quick Google search could have told you was freakin' useless, anyway?

Look, I know you and your government buddies feel the need to "protect the children." It's the freakin' mantra of the country, "think of the children." You know what I say? Protect the children from parents who feel they have no responsibility to ensure their children aren't playing games where you're running over hookers you just slept with to regain health-points so you don't have to pay 'em. Where's the bill requiring that?

Let's face it, you and your political stooges are only going to go after the games that are popular to target; the Grand Theft Autos of the world, maybe a Doom here and there. And I get it, there are people who use those games as an excuse to be idiotic in real life, so of course you gotta look like you're doing something, right?

But think for a second (something I'm not sure any politician stops to do anymore): where does it stop? A plumber claiming they stepped on a turtle because Super Mario does it? People trying to throw balls at buildings, causing vandalism, all because of Brick Breaker? Michael Vick getting off on appeal because he thought dog fighting was okay since you can sick animals on each other while playing Pokemon?

Let's face it, we're building a country that continually pushes the blame for its citizen's actions on someone else, and this law is only going to help with that. And I think you're all a bunch of tools for it.

You know, I go on MySpace fairly frequently, and I get a ton of e-mail, and I've noticed one thing: 99% of the worst writing on the internet was created by the late, great George Carlin.

Okay, I know, it wasn't actually written by Carlin. But, if you write some pseudo-philosophical crap, or show some demented "moral outrage" that only people with a level of close-mindedness greater than or equal to most of the pundits on FOX News would find acceptable, five gets you ten that poor George will have his good name slapped on it, you lucky bastards.

I mean, I'm almost certain that half this crap gets forwarded simply because the name "Carlin" is on it. And forwarded messages have a great chance of being forwarded again, which means you get read by even more people. Lather, rinse, repeat! Soon, the whole world knows and talks about your "Bad American" essay, even if they don't have a clue who you are. (And, to the original author of that, kudos to your decision to not wait for someone else to attribute it to Carlin, but to do it yourself in the first paragraph!)

Of course, you gotta think of the other guy; I suppose the guy who made a ton of money on "The Seven Words You Can't Say On Television" wouldn't necessarily enjoy being linked to an essay written on censorship, especially if that essay is pro, not con. No, I think that sort of thing should be attributed to Dennis Miller... seems to be more up his ally.

Man, how I hope to write something so God-awful that it's attributed to Carlin, so it can be passed around in e-mails and MySpace bulletins for all time. Maybe I'll write something like that 'Paradox of Our Time' crap... you know, the one that talks about 'taller buildings but shorter tempers,' as if there's some link between the two, or a predefined standard ratio of buildings to tempers? I could jot down several dozen pages of cliched, barely funny observations ('Why do people order Big Macs, large fries and a Diet Coke?', that sort of thing)! Add a few swears in there, and it's got Carlins' name all over the thing. Sure, it'll have all the quality of a third grade book report, but darn if people won't forward it!

Everyone needs a dream, and I have finally found mine: Anonymous fame through shoddy writing practices and forced $2 philosophy. Life, my friends, is sweet.

The mockery will begin shortly, and last until I've completely lost interest.

It's the oldest story around: Woman buy lettuce. Woman decides to make family salad. Woman opens fresh lettuce.

WOMAN FINDS FROG IN LETTUCE.

I hope this story gets some little kid out of eating their broccoli tonight or something... 'cause that'd be sweet.

Heath Ledger, who (as you should know by now) is set to play The Joker in The Dark Knight, died yesterday. He's also well known for his Oscar-nominated part in Brokeback Mountain, the "gay cowboy movie."

Taking advantage of that fact? The Westboro Baptist Church, a group that is well known for their hatred of gays, Jews, Roman Catholics, Muslims, Canadians, Americans, the Irish, the British, the Swedish, black people, white people, hispanic people, asian people, puppies, babies, kittens, rainbows, and The Muppets.

According to this flyer that was posted on the Dark Knight boards on SuperheroHype.com, the group plans on picketing the actor's funeral because he played a gay cowboy. They've picketed the funerals of other homosexual people, as well, but this could be their big thing: the funeral of a famous actor with a huge summer blockbuster coming up is surefire press! Especially an actor who was in the "sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit" that is Brokeback Mountain! (One wonders why they didn't use that pull quote in ads for the movie, I might add.)

Well, here's hoping these tools come off looking as dumb as they actually are; if not, let's hope the funeral is in The Village, since the day a group of flaming New York homosexuals can't outchant out of a bunch of old whiney intolerant white people from Kansas is the day I start eating Canadian bacon with every meal. And, for the record, the only thing I hate more than the Westboro Baptist Church is Canadian bacon, so that's saying something.

Clinton and McCain won the New Hampshire primary? Really?!

I didn't see that one coming.

I've always wanted to "live-blog" something, and this seems to be a great time to start: the New Hampshire Primary debates on ABC.

The party starts after the break! Yee-hah!

Read On!